You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
