My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize