You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
she pinky promised me she was 18
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
