that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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