When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Bring me that man meat
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
