youre lurking in front of me
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize