For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
