FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
