My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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