He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
