Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize