His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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