Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize