Small penises have feelings too.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
