your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
