last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize