The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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