i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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