he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize