I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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