your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
