yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i love accidental penises.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
