Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
