she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize