DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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