New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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