I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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