And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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