you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
