Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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