this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
pop tarts are not kleenex
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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