Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize