omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
