At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
