yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
