At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
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