alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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