Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
