I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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