Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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