Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
