no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
