She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
