Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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