Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
