Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
