I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize