dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
