Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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