why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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