drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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