RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
