my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
