Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
