fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
