It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
