why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
