All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
