i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
