I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
