she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
