he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
