I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
God I need to hump something, right now.
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