I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
