If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
