Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
